What I Want is...

(An exercise to free your mind.)

Let’s try an experiment.

For the next few minutes, we’re going to allow ourselves to be free. I’m going to share a prompt, and then you can write or think about what that prompt means to you.

Here we go!

What do I want?

To be heard, seen, listened to, to live free from oppression and fear. I don’t want to be sold to because the economy needs me to buy more (buying more never makes me happy. It’s an illusion that having more fills a need within me. It never works).

I want to be able to take time off and not worry about not earning money to pay my family’s bills. I want to take a walk on the beach, listen to the ocean, and then come back, curl up on a big sofa with a blanket by the fire, read for a bit, and take a nap.

I want to travel and write about what I’ve seen.

I want to be me—not what others want me to be.

Now you try it. Either think about what you want or spend a few minutes and write about it. I’m not going to see what you think or write—this exercise is only for you.

And now we’re going to use this other prompt:

What is stopping me from getting what I want?

Fear, market forces, billionaires, and those in power trying to squeeze the little guy. My own willingness to play along with the game of life.

My fear is that if I step out and do my own thing that I’ll not be able to earn enough money to survive and help my family.

A worry that no matter how hard I try, I’ll be pushed back because I’m not from the right class. I don’t play nicely with those in power because I see through the BS.

And now it’s your turn:

What is holding you back?

When I look at my own answers, it’s pretty easy to see that I fear for my family’s financial well-being.

We live in turbulent and oppressive times. I wish that weren’t so, but thinking we don’t isn’t going to make my problems go away.

Like many Adult Children of Alcoholics, money is at the root of many of my fears. I still remember how I felt as a child. I knew that my father didn’t pay child support. That if it weren’t for my grandparents, who took my mom, brother, and me in, we wouldn’t have had a place to live.

I remember my grandfather buying me gold sneakers at a flea market and being told that this was all that we could afford and how the kids in my gym class made fun of me for wearing them.

The constant worry and fear about making ends meet hung over me much of my early childhood.

I remember saving all the money I made and putting it in the bank. As a little kid, I took any money that I earned and knew how important it was to save it. I would go to the bank with my grandfather and hand the teller my few dollars to deposit, and the teller would take my bank book, run it through the printer, and hand it back to me: proof that I was saving for my future.

One dollar at a time, a few quarters here and there, and over a few years I had more than $200.

But then my mom came to me and told me that times were tough and that she needed to take the money from my account to pay bills. She was sorry, but it had to be done.

There have been many times in my life when the rug was pulled out from under me. I learned at an early age that if I wanted to have a happy and secure life filled with love that I needed to pull myself out of the socioeconomic class I was born into . I needed to get an education, learn skills, and get a good job.

Decades later, the old ghost still haunts me. When the pandemic hit and I was laid off from my job, I worked hard to get another one. Now, as I get older, I see what’s happening in the economy. Jobs being eliminated by AI, companies not paying their fair share of taxes but using legal loopholes to keep more money for their investors, work being outsourced to other countries, and the pushing down of America’s middle class.

All of this is what keeps me up at night.

But they’re my problems; maybe you feel the same, maybe you don’t.

The purpose of this exercise is to wake us up.

My fears are pretty commonly felt.

But what’s stopping you from getting what you want?

If you’re honest, what’s really holding you back?

Are you trying to fill the void within your heart with something else? (Work? Alcohol? Trying to save others?)

Or are you “perfect” and everyone else is the problem?

Money, power, and control won’t solve our problems. Sure, it’s nice to have money, but if we’re not secure within our own skin or understand how to regulate our emotions and process our past, we’re doomed to repeat the mistakes that our parents made.

You live what you know.

It’s taken me years of hard work to finally feel secure with myself. My message has always been consistent: I know what I need to do for me to be happy.

I can share what I know, but there are two things I can’t do for you:

• Know if the tools/skills that have helped me will help you.

• Make you use the tools/skills that will work for you.

My family always used to say: “You can bring a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.”

Each day I need to get up and commit myself to living a healthy and happy life. Some days I make big mistakes and fall back down. Other days I make great progress. It’s a balance, but I keep moving forward.

One step at a time.

What about you?

What do you really want?

If you’re willing to share, respond to this email and let me know.