Thriving when still dealing with alcoholic/dysfunctional parents
There may be many reasons you still need to interact with an alcoholic/dysfunctional parent.
Maybe it’s the holidays.
Or you need to take them to the doctor.
Or they live with you.
What I have found to be most effective in taking care of oneself is to set boundaries.
That boundary might be hard, or it might be soft.
Each of us has a unique relationship with someone struggling with addiction and/or acting dysfunctionally (e.g., shaming you, verbal abuse, narcissistic, etc.).
When you have a support network to help you, you can build a strong safety net around you.
The other night, I saw an episode of The Bear.
If you’re not familiar with the Hulu show, the premise is: Carmy is a world-renowned chef who loses his brother to suicide. He comes home to turn his family’s sandwich shop into a fine restaurant with the hope of getting a Michelin star.
In season 4, the episode entitled The Bears places all the main characters at a wedding reception. Carmy’s mom (played wonderfully by Jamie Lee Curtis) comes up to her son and tries to have a normal conversation with him.
Throughout Carmy’s childhood, his mom abused alcohol, and he is struggling with overcoming his past.
Her coming up to him at the wedding reception triggers him, and he spirals out of control.
But his friends come to his aid and tell him he’s needed in the kitchen. They separated him from his mother and helped protect him.
I watched the episode play out (I don’t want to give anything away, but will only say this: The Bear is a difficult series to watch, but it’s one of the most true-to-life representations of what it’s like to be an Adult Child of an Alcoholic) and learned a lot about the skills needed to survive (and thrive).
Keep Practicing Setting Your Boundaries
Remember, “no” is a full sentence. You don’t need to explain, justify, or defend how you feel. It’s okay to say no.
That doesn’t mean that your parent is going to respect your decision. They might yell at you, try to shame you, demean you, and even throw in a touch of guilt to manipulate you.
Setting boundaries is like strengthening your muscles. You need to exercise over time to become stronger.
Start small: put your phone down, walk away, and don’t answer calls or texts right away. Give yourself space.
Be sure to pay attention to your boundaries with other people. If you grew up with a parent who struggled with addiction, you might see weaknesses in how you let others treat you (does your romantic partner try to manipulate you? Or your boss at work?).
Work with a therapist to talk through the guilt of setting up boundaries, or attend Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families meetings.
Build Your Support Network
After you’ve had a difficult interaction with your parent, what do you do?
Stuff down your feelings?
Overeat?
Drink too much?
Splurge and go shopping?
Another way to look at these difficult situations is to turn to your trusted group of friends/family/advisors.
Building up a support network takes time and is a two-way street. Sometimes you’ll need to talk, but be sure to listen.
Yammering all the time to “get things off your chest” might feel good for you, but your friends will also need your support. Be sure to give and take. Healthy relationships are a balance of the two.
Sometimes, no matter how many friends or trusted people you have in your life, people aren’t available.
That’s why it’s important to know how to support yourself in times of need.
How to Destress Your Body
There have been nights when I could not stop my thoughts from racing. I felt horrible, couldn’t sleep, and worry chewed me up inside.
When I’ve had hard times, I pray, meditate, or practice visualizations.
A simple and easy way to calm down and help deal with stress (and worrying thoughts) is to close your eyes, clench your right fist, breathe in through the nose for four seconds, hold your breath for seven seconds, and then slowly exhale from the mouth for 8 seconds (while unclenching your fist).
Don’t worry if you can’t exhale for the full 8 seconds. That’s not the point. Instead, focus on your breathing—slow, steady, hold the tension in your clenched fist, and then as you exhale you release the stress/tension in your fist.
When finished with your right fist, switch to your left.
If you’re lying down in bed, then clench your left foot and breathe/hold/exhale, and then your right foot.
Make your way through all the parts of your body (you can clench your teeth, place the tongue against the roof of your mouth, squeeze your eyes tight, etc.).
The process is slow and something you can do at your own pace.
Clench your left fist, breathe in through your nose for 4 seconds, hold for 7 seconds, and exhale (while unclenching your left fist) for up to 8 seconds.
Clench your right fist, breathe in through your nose for 4 seconds, hold for 7 seconds, and exhale (while unclenching your right fist) for up to 8 seconds.
Clench your left foot, breathe in through your nose for 4 seconds, hold for 7 seconds, and exhale (while unclenching your left foot) for up to 8 seconds.
Clench your right foot, breathe in through your nose for 4 seconds, hold for 7 seconds, and exhale (while unclenching your right foot) for up to 8 seconds.
Clench your teeth, breathe in through your nose for 4 seconds, hold for 7 seconds, and exhale (while unclenching your bite) for up to 8 seconds.
Give Your Mind an Outlet
Words have power. They hold on to the emotions we feel.
When you’re struggling and going through a hard day, grab a pen, a blank journal, and write.
Your journal is meant for you and only you.
If you’re not a writer and need help on what to write about, consider my 30 Days of Gratitude: A Daily Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics. I wrote prompts for each day of the month to help you center and focus on a particular topic.
Focusing on gratitude is a proven way to help ease worry and anxiety.
If you don’t need daily prompts, let your mind wander and write what you feel. Do the best you can to not judge your writing. It doesn’t matter if there are misspellings, fragments, or poor grammar.
What matters is that you are taking the emotions you feel (anger, hatred, fear, anxiety, etc.) and processing them through words and stories. Write about how you feel and work through the emotion so that you can let them go—release them in word form.
The Soul Needs Feeding Too
If you’ve never practiced the loving-kindness meditation, please try it.
Sit or lie down, take a slow deep breath and say silently the following three times:
May I be happy
May I be healthy
May I be peaceful
May I live with ease
After you say it three times, let the thoughts move on to something else.
Over time (weeks or months), save the first part of the meditation, but then add the second part. Think of someone and say:
May they be happy
May they be healthy
May they be peaceful
May they live with ease
And finally, after several more months, say the the first part, then the second, and finally add in the last part:
May the world be happy
May the world be healthy
May the world be peaceful
May the world live with ease
Keep in mind that there’s no rush to get to the third part. You might feel more comfortable focusing on the first part with the “I” statements. Maybe that’s all you say for months.
But over time, work through the meditation and try to add in the second, and eventually, third part.